What the hell is so wrong with me that everyone just keeps throwing me away?! I try so hard to be what everyone wants me to be. I’m always caring about others way more than they care about me. The trouble with that is that I can’t just stop doing it. And because of that, I get hurt so badly.
I should be excited about the future right now, but I’m not. I’ve got a Disney vacation coming up and a vow renewal for our 10 year anniversary. I should be happy right now, right? I’m not though. Because for the second time in my life, I’ve had to admit to myself that one person who should be there to experience this won’t be.
A few years ago I finally made the decision to just give up on my bio fathers side of the family. None of them want anything to do with me and I don’t exist to them. I never have. I was happy enough that I was raised by a wonderful man who took the place of father and become my dad. He was my dad for 22 years. Since I was three years old. And I thought that even though him and my mom got divorced in recent years, that he would still be a huge part of my life. He’s my DAD! My daughter loves her “papa”. the sad part is that, my daughter has only seen him twice in the last two years. He’s only seen my son three times since August 2, 2012. I call and text him and invite him over but he never comes over. He never calls. Me aside, what about the kids?! He doesn’t want to see them or care how they are doing??
I’m fucking heartbroken!! Thanks to my mom, I had men in and out of my life for 29 years. I finally thought I had one person who would stay in my life forever and I was wrong. I should be so use to someone just throwing me away by now, but this fucking hurts worse than my real father telling people he only has two sons and doesn’t have a daughter. And for the record, he actually has 3 sons and a daughter but I don’t know why he disowned Brandon. Hell I don’t even know why he disowned me. Go figure.
I asked my dad to go to Disney with us because I want to spend that time with people I care about and I want my daddy there. But he’s too busy with his life and new girlfriend and soon to be new grandchild my brother is giving him that he doesn’t give me a second thought. One of the reasons Gary and I wanted to renew our vows is because our families weren’t there when we got married. I wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle. Well, I’m apparently still not going to get that. And the only other option would have been my grandpa. But because having faith in things gets you no where, I no longer have him either. He died one week to the day before my actual wedding.
I’ve given up. I lose everything important to me and I can’t keep going through this pain. I can’t keep trying to figure out why everyone thinks i’m so easily disposable. My father, my dad, Stephen, my mom, my brothers, so many friends….
My mom told me on my 25th birthday that she wanted an abortion when she was pregnant with me and that my grandma made her keep me. I’ve legit come to the conclusion that my life wasn’t supposed to happen. That’s why I’m constantly getting thrown in the gutter. Because I’m not even supposed to exist in the first place. My mom blames me for every bad thing that happens in her life. Maybe that’s why everyone throws me away. Maybe I just make everyones lives worse. I don’t know. I can’t come up with any other reason, to be honest.